Meltdown count: 1 first thing in the am by Suzy She ep, then one each when I came back from work. When will they ease out? Considering I've only been with them for 30 minutes lin the am and abrely 3 hours in the evening, 3 meltdowns seems a lot to cope with at the end of an exhausting day preceded by a nearly sleepless night.
By now you know of my ups and downs and struggles with motherhood so today Iwanted to share something amazing that I want to keep reading everyday all summer: http://www.askmoxie.org/2012/09/free-but-not-cheap.html
This is the most inspiring thing I've ever read and I so feel understood, and no longer alone after
reading it.
When I started the blog I intended to right at least once a week and it was all going to be about recording precious little moments as a reminder to myself of the
good things about motherhood. Those things I have constant trouble seeing. Several weeks later, I look back at my blog and wonder if I'm meeting any of these two goals.
It's been tough, and it's harder than I thought to find the strength to write about the 'few' good things than ramble on about allthe things that bother me.
I guess I am me and can't get rid of that. Not that by that I mean I am a rambler stuck in a half empty glass existence. I thinkit's more like I'm going through a mour ing period.
And I need my time to work through the pain. Some people can quickly pack it away and show the wolrd their best smile. I can't do that, at least not here. This is the one corner in which
Hopefully, there will be mmore and more of them gradually. Reading the askmoxie blog has really shown me a light at the end of the tunnel I intend to keep hobbling to.
So now for my last few weeks as a mum. It's been silly busy, as my absence may have indicated.
From one day to the next, work went manic, and suddenly I found myself having to fit in three one week trips to the US before the end of the summer. So, two weeks ago I headed out to my first,
then came back and two days later headed out to my first actual holiday with kids since they were born. There were many attepmts before, but believe me, while they were all trips to holiday destinations,
they all quickly turned into a load of babysitting and child related duty away from home. In a few days, we are heading to my aunt's where I am leaving the kids for another week while I'm on my second
work trip to the US, then back home in two weeks time, and hopefully, no more travel after that (fingers crossed).
On my first visit, I had one of my aunts fly in to help out with the girls while I was out. They loved their time with her, but
they are also increasingly aware that when she comes I disappear. So now, when I mention we are going to see her, they inmediatly ask: 'but mommy, you are staying?'
I don't mind going away for a few days without them, but the logistics are hard (and expensive and nerve wrecking).
It was a good trip. I did well at work and also managed to visit my little brother and his family who happened to be
Celebrating his in-laws 40th anniversary in the most amazing house in the Hamptons. I had an incredible time, and in spite
Monday, July 8, 2013
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Twinterteinment
Meltdown count: 1 big one at bed time. Suzy Sheep was shattered after a day of no nap and two many new things. She cried herself to sleep this evening.
It has been an actually fun weekend. I think I finally found the 'recipe' if there is such a thing. The girls are much easier to manage when out and about these days. We can finally go further and do more. Although getting ready and getting to and from still has a lot of room for improvement.
The weekend started without any specific plans, other than adhering to the usual routine of Saturdays mostly for errands and Sundays mostly for play. But, as many other Saturdays, doing errands with the pair of them is incredibly complicated. The plan was going to the post office, then the bank, then lunch, nap and maybe a walk in the park. But we went to bed late (it's been getting worse, the girls are not sleeping unti nearly 11 some nights), then got up late (around 9), and before I knew it was 1 clock and we were hardly stepping out of the house.
Needless to say, bank and post office were closed. At least the girls seemed to enjoy the walk. We had a quick lunch and after an hour oftrying to get them to nap, and me to do some papérwork, I gave up and we went out. I felt guilty for not getting anyhting done, but I also had enough of seeing every weekend go the same direction and ending up not doing anything fun on the account of getting stuff done, or lunch or nap time, all for nothing. That was it. I've had enough.
So I packed some snacks and off we went. I had spent Monday evening cleaning up the mountain of paperwork built over months. In there I had found the Aquarium family passes bought last summer and only used once. So, off we went. The day had started with a black sky and a proper thunder storm. It was a good chance to show the girls about storms. They were a bit scared at first, but they relaxed quickly when they noticed I was relaxed. After that, the day had cleared out and it was 26 sunny degrees. We took a busy bus all the way down to the Maremagnum, which was as lively as ever. Full of tourists and visitots from all around.
I had taken the buggy just in case, but the girls preferred to walk. It's all pedestrianized, and they have come a long way. They now actually come when I call them and don't seem to constantly run in oppositte directions as they used to do. I didn't even think of using the harnesses. Next to the Aquarium there were some fun rides. A bit expensive for what it is, but hey-ho. I let them go on some water airboats and we also tried a sort of floating bubble. The boats were good fun, But they started crying as soon as they got in the bubbles and I had to get them out. Then it was the merry goaround with the horses and finally a visit to the Aquarium. They loved every bit, and I enjoyed to be able to let them run around without stressing about them getting lost or in trouble. There weren't as many people as last time, and that made much more enjoyable.
Both fell asleep on the way back, and although I had to wake them as we got in the elevator (the buggy doesn't fit), i put straight into bed and they didn't say a peep. For the first time I think since January, they were asleep at 9 pm, it had only taken a few minutes to get them in bed and they slept pretty much through the night, result! I though I'd go for seconds on Sunday (today).
So, today the plan was to go to Caixa Forum. I had seen it recommended on kidsinbarcelona.com.i wasn't too sure of what it was, but it was supposed to have good activities for little ones, it opened until 8 pm, and it was indoor (more rain expected today at some point). I planned to leave after lunch. That way they may actually nap on the way over and would save the usual 1 hour of trying to get them to sleep at home.
In the end, I packed lunch and fed them on the way over. There was still plenty of time to sleep after that, but they didn't anyway. The rain started just as we stepped out. They seemed to enjoy watching it from under the buggy's plastic cover. We stopped at the convenience store next door on the way out and got a few last bits and off we went. It ended up taking about an hour to get to the museum. But for once I actually enjoyed it. I decided to make the most of every moment and not to worry too much about what time we got there.
So we stopped and took pictures along the way and stopped to look at the things we found interesting. After the initial rain, it was sunny and clear and a nice afternoon for a long walk. The train dropped us at the bottom of a hill and we had to walk for about 30 mins up this lovely tree lined hill. There were early XXth century detached houses either side, hardly any traffic or people, and a very wide sidewalk. Quite a change from the usually buzzling center where even sidewalks are normally dangerous as they are used by cyclists.
Not a single one in sight here. I could let the girls run around and explore, and so they did. Suzy Sheep picked up some leaves and run to show me: 'look mummy, I found some leaves in the forest' she said. Clementine was into collecting sticks and trying to climb every bench, rock and stone that came her way. Once at the top we got to the museum. The space was incredible. It's a refurbished old building of some sort ( seemed like a warehouse). There was hardly anyone, and there was plenty for the girls to do and explore safely.
First we went to a science activity for little ones. They go to play with ballons in an wind chamber, touch and 'play' percussion instruments, make giant bubbles, walk past bent mirrors, etc. They loved every bit and asked for another go as the activity ended. From there we went to the tropical forest, which is literally a tropical forest in a giant glasshouse. They loved it. After that we walked around some more around the open spaces until it was time to come back home. Clementine sat on the buggy on the way out and fell asleep in seconds. Suzy sheep walked all the way back to the train and from the train to the bus. She must have been so pooped. Poor thing, by the time we got home she exploded and cried herself to sleep for no good reason.
There were lots of special moments over the weekend. So I've learned two valuable lessons: One, from here on, I will minimize errands and to do's on weekends and plan to go out and do things with the girls instead. I've had enough of juggling trying to get things done while looking after them, then getting frustrated for not managing to do either one specially well. And two, I will no longer respect nap time on weekends, I have had enough of planning the days so they can nap, then spending at least an hour to get them to sleep, only to then fall asleep with them and not manage to do anything with the time. From here on, i will encourage them to sleep at nap time, but if they are awake after 30 mins, we'll move on and then go to bed earlier in the evening.
Memorable moments of today:
- there was a beautiful moment in which Suzy Sheep insisted in putting away a piece of cake to save for her sister. Clementine was sleeping at the time and didn't even know we had . I thought it was the sweetest thing.
- getting breakfast ready was a nightmare (almost always is as I try to get it ready while I get constant interruptions: either they fight, or at least one of them will physically glue herself to me making it inpossible for me to do anything). But, it was worth the effort. First, it was delicious, and second, all three of us enjoyed eating it together
- i suggested they wear their bandanas and they inmediately agreed they wanted to wear 'bananas'. They also wore them all day surprisingly, usually they last 30 seconds.
- they looked supercute in their summer outfits with their gingham tops and white cardis.
It has been an actually fun weekend. I think I finally found the 'recipe' if there is such a thing. The girls are much easier to manage when out and about these days. We can finally go further and do more. Although getting ready and getting to and from still has a lot of room for improvement.
The weekend started without any specific plans, other than adhering to the usual routine of Saturdays mostly for errands and Sundays mostly for play. But, as many other Saturdays, doing errands with the pair of them is incredibly complicated. The plan was going to the post office, then the bank, then lunch, nap and maybe a walk in the park. But we went to bed late (it's been getting worse, the girls are not sleeping unti nearly 11 some nights), then got up late (around 9), and before I knew it was 1 clock and we were hardly stepping out of the house.
Needless to say, bank and post office were closed. At least the girls seemed to enjoy the walk. We had a quick lunch and after an hour oftrying to get them to nap, and me to do some papérwork, I gave up and we went out. I felt guilty for not getting anyhting done, but I also had enough of seeing every weekend go the same direction and ending up not doing anything fun on the account of getting stuff done, or lunch or nap time, all for nothing. That was it. I've had enough.
So I packed some snacks and off we went. I had spent Monday evening cleaning up the mountain of paperwork built over months. In there I had found the Aquarium family passes bought last summer and only used once. So, off we went. The day had started with a black sky and a proper thunder storm. It was a good chance to show the girls about storms. They were a bit scared at first, but they relaxed quickly when they noticed I was relaxed. After that, the day had cleared out and it was 26 sunny degrees. We took a busy bus all the way down to the Maremagnum, which was as lively as ever. Full of tourists and visitots from all around.
I had taken the buggy just in case, but the girls preferred to walk. It's all pedestrianized, and they have come a long way. They now actually come when I call them and don't seem to constantly run in oppositte directions as they used to do. I didn't even think of using the harnesses. Next to the Aquarium there were some fun rides. A bit expensive for what it is, but hey-ho. I let them go on some water airboats and we also tried a sort of floating bubble. The boats were good fun, But they started crying as soon as they got in the bubbles and I had to get them out. Then it was the merry goaround with the horses and finally a visit to the Aquarium. They loved every bit, and I enjoyed to be able to let them run around without stressing about them getting lost or in trouble. There weren't as many people as last time, and that made much more enjoyable.
Both fell asleep on the way back, and although I had to wake them as we got in the elevator (the buggy doesn't fit), i put straight into bed and they didn't say a peep. For the first time I think since January, they were asleep at 9 pm, it had only taken a few minutes to get them in bed and they slept pretty much through the night, result! I though I'd go for seconds on Sunday (today).
So, today the plan was to go to Caixa Forum. I had seen it recommended on kidsinbarcelona.com.i wasn't too sure of what it was, but it was supposed to have good activities for little ones, it opened until 8 pm, and it was indoor (more rain expected today at some point). I planned to leave after lunch. That way they may actually nap on the way over and would save the usual 1 hour of trying to get them to sleep at home.
In the end, I packed lunch and fed them on the way over. There was still plenty of time to sleep after that, but they didn't anyway. The rain started just as we stepped out. They seemed to enjoy watching it from under the buggy's plastic cover. We stopped at the convenience store next door on the way out and got a few last bits and off we went. It ended up taking about an hour to get to the museum. But for once I actually enjoyed it. I decided to make the most of every moment and not to worry too much about what time we got there.
So we stopped and took pictures along the way and stopped to look at the things we found interesting. After the initial rain, it was sunny and clear and a nice afternoon for a long walk. The train dropped us at the bottom of a hill and we had to walk for about 30 mins up this lovely tree lined hill. There were early XXth century detached houses either side, hardly any traffic or people, and a very wide sidewalk. Quite a change from the usually buzzling center where even sidewalks are normally dangerous as they are used by cyclists.
Not a single one in sight here. I could let the girls run around and explore, and so they did. Suzy Sheep picked up some leaves and run to show me: 'look mummy, I found some leaves in the forest' she said. Clementine was into collecting sticks and trying to climb every bench, rock and stone that came her way. Once at the top we got to the museum. The space was incredible. It's a refurbished old building of some sort ( seemed like a warehouse). There was hardly anyone, and there was plenty for the girls to do and explore safely.
First we went to a science activity for little ones. They go to play with ballons in an wind chamber, touch and 'play' percussion instruments, make giant bubbles, walk past bent mirrors, etc. They loved every bit and asked for another go as the activity ended. From there we went to the tropical forest, which is literally a tropical forest in a giant glasshouse. They loved it. After that we walked around some more around the open spaces until it was time to come back home. Clementine sat on the buggy on the way out and fell asleep in seconds. Suzy sheep walked all the way back to the train and from the train to the bus. She must have been so pooped. Poor thing, by the time we got home she exploded and cried herself to sleep for no good reason.
There were lots of special moments over the weekend. So I've learned two valuable lessons: One, from here on, I will minimize errands and to do's on weekends and plan to go out and do things with the girls instead. I've had enough of juggling trying to get things done while looking after them, then getting frustrated for not managing to do either one specially well. And two, I will no longer respect nap time on weekends, I have had enough of planning the days so they can nap, then spending at least an hour to get them to sleep, only to then fall asleep with them and not manage to do anything with the time. From here on, i will encourage them to sleep at nap time, but if they are awake after 30 mins, we'll move on and then go to bed earlier in the evening.
Memorable moments of today:
- there was a beautiful moment in which Suzy Sheep insisted in putting away a piece of cake to save for her sister. Clementine was sleeping at the time and didn't even know we had . I thought it was the sweetest thing.
- getting breakfast ready was a nightmare (almost always is as I try to get it ready while I get constant interruptions: either they fight, or at least one of them will physically glue herself to me making it inpossible for me to do anything). But, it was worth the effort. First, it was delicious, and second, all three of us enjoyed eating it together
- i suggested they wear their bandanas and they inmediately agreed they wanted to wear 'bananas'. They also wore them all day surprisingly, usually they last 30 seconds.
- they looked supercute in their summer outfits with their gingham tops and white cardis.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Bedtime horror
Meltdown count: feels like the entire evening has been one long meltdown. It's now 10.30 pm and they just fell asleep. more like they cried themselves to sleep. I'm at the end of my tether and seriously considering handing the girls over to their dad. Living like this is pretty unbearable. I feel like I am wasting my life.
Yesterday evening I went out and left the girls with a babysitter. Shockingly they were asleep by 9.45!! I really don't understand why I can't get them to go to sleep earlier, and having tried everything over the last 3 years and failed miserably, maybe it's time to give up. I can think of two ways of doing this. One would be handing them over to their dad, another would be getting a babysitter to deal with them in the evenings so I don't have to do it. Both would mean I would hardly see them and I'm fine with that. But then why do I feel so guilty? I feel like I would be depriving them of my love and attention and that would have serious consequences in their lives. I guess I can't help but thinking that if that's how I feel and I'm their mum, how would a stranger feel and how patient would they be? I know their dad would not take them on willingly, not on that basis. he loves them and likes to see them and would like to see them more frequently, but that's a far shot from having them move in.
I love them, but I hate the life I have because of them. I am lost, I don't know what to do to appreciate it more and enjoy it. Why can't I make that happen? I have a good job, with a well above average salary. My ex passes on some money every month for the girls, I live in a great city, my girls are beautiful, bright and healthy. Why do I feel this way? It's like the gods are having a laugh on me. They gave me everything I asked for but forgot to make me happy about it.
This is a typical day for me:
- Up at around 7:30 am. Shower in a rush before the girls wake up
- Girls wake up at some point between 8 and 8.30. Then the world goes into slow motion mode. Trying to get ready with the two of them up is hard. Not as hard as it used to be. In fact just a year ago, it was impossible. I had to wait for their nanny to arrive before I could do anything. Now, well, I juggle. I rush down the corridor naked and get their bottles ready. That biys me a few minutes. Enough to get dressed. Then there is usually some clinging. They wrap themselves around my legs and ask to be picked up or similar, often accompanied by screeching cries. Some times I give in, some times I keep going (with ne leg, or one hand, and even no legs). They wimper and cry and try to get my attention in every way while I keep trying tomget ready.
-Sasha, their nanny, arrives at 8.30. There is some more clinginess and stropping 'don't go mummy'. We kiss and cuddle for a few minutes and then I go, often they follow me out asking me to stay, some times they cry too. I leave feeling rushed, guilty and totally unready for work.
- I then work until 6.30 pm. I leave the office also in a rush. My colleagues tend to work ntil later, so again I leave feeling rushed and guilty. The girls greet me as if I was a rock star. I guess it's pretty nice to have this effect on someone, I try to savour it each day, it's one of the few nice moments of my day. I also know it won't last very long.
- I exchange a few words with Sasha. She tells me about their day and we try to have a conversation but it's usually quite hard because the girls are impatient to see me and can't stop talking. They shout on top pf their lungs over our conversation. Here is where the rock star effect wears off and instead I feel hounded. This happens each and everytime I try to talk to anyone when they are around, whether I'm talking to someone in person or on the phone, wherever or whenever. So I quickly sober up and remember I have entered the monastery. No more talking to anyone, no more thinking of me or doing anything that leaves them out in anyway. And so the evening begins.
- i start by changing into more comfortable clothes maybe a visit to the loo. Then, move on to making a quick dinner (the rule of thumb is no more than 15 mins to prepare). The girls keep trying to get my attention. They shout, fight with each other, have meltdowns, cling on to me, etc. again, I feel hounded and there aren't many parts of this process that I enjoy. It feels like an eternity until we finally have dinner at the table. By then it's around 7.15, but some times it's later.
- then it's time to eat. This feels equally cumbersome. Usually they are calmer by now. The fighting and clinging subsides, and instead they start playing. They stand up and leave the table and I keep trying to bring them back and cheering them on to eat their dinner. I'm also mindful of the time. Some times it could be 8.30 and they still have not finished their dinner. I make dinners delibrately simple jsjust so that we can get through it fast. It never seems to work though. Sasha tells me they don't do this so much with her. And meals are quick affairs. I don't get it.
- sometime between 8 and 9 we head to the bedroom. Get pj's on, brush teeth, read a book and off to bed. This usually takes about 30 mins. We th
Yesterday evening I went out and left the girls with a babysitter. Shockingly they were asleep by 9.45!! I really don't understand why I can't get them to go to sleep earlier, and having tried everything over the last 3 years and failed miserably, maybe it's time to give up. I can think of two ways of doing this. One would be handing them over to their dad, another would be getting a babysitter to deal with them in the evenings so I don't have to do it. Both would mean I would hardly see them and I'm fine with that. But then why do I feel so guilty? I feel like I would be depriving them of my love and attention and that would have serious consequences in their lives. I guess I can't help but thinking that if that's how I feel and I'm their mum, how would a stranger feel and how patient would they be? I know their dad would not take them on willingly, not on that basis. he loves them and likes to see them and would like to see them more frequently, but that's a far shot from having them move in.
I love them, but I hate the life I have because of them. I am lost, I don't know what to do to appreciate it more and enjoy it. Why can't I make that happen? I have a good job, with a well above average salary. My ex passes on some money every month for the girls, I live in a great city, my girls are beautiful, bright and healthy. Why do I feel this way? It's like the gods are having a laugh on me. They gave me everything I asked for but forgot to make me happy about it.
This is a typical day for me:
- Up at around 7:30 am. Shower in a rush before the girls wake up
- Girls wake up at some point between 8 and 8.30. Then the world goes into slow motion mode. Trying to get ready with the two of them up is hard. Not as hard as it used to be. In fact just a year ago, it was impossible. I had to wait for their nanny to arrive before I could do anything. Now, well, I juggle. I rush down the corridor naked and get their bottles ready. That biys me a few minutes. Enough to get dressed. Then there is usually some clinging. They wrap themselves around my legs and ask to be picked up or similar, often accompanied by screeching cries. Some times I give in, some times I keep going (with ne leg, or one hand, and even no legs). They wimper and cry and try to get my attention in every way while I keep trying tomget ready.
-Sasha, their nanny, arrives at 8.30. There is some more clinginess and stropping 'don't go mummy'. We kiss and cuddle for a few minutes and then I go, often they follow me out asking me to stay, some times they cry too. I leave feeling rushed, guilty and totally unready for work.
- I then work until 6.30 pm. I leave the office also in a rush. My colleagues tend to work ntil later, so again I leave feeling rushed and guilty. The girls greet me as if I was a rock star. I guess it's pretty nice to have this effect on someone, I try to savour it each day, it's one of the few nice moments of my day. I also know it won't last very long.
- I exchange a few words with Sasha. She tells me about their day and we try to have a conversation but it's usually quite hard because the girls are impatient to see me and can't stop talking. They shout on top pf their lungs over our conversation. Here is where the rock star effect wears off and instead I feel hounded. This happens each and everytime I try to talk to anyone when they are around, whether I'm talking to someone in person or on the phone, wherever or whenever. So I quickly sober up and remember I have entered the monastery. No more talking to anyone, no more thinking of me or doing anything that leaves them out in anyway. And so the evening begins.
- i start by changing into more comfortable clothes maybe a visit to the loo. Then, move on to making a quick dinner (the rule of thumb is no more than 15 mins to prepare). The girls keep trying to get my attention. They shout, fight with each other, have meltdowns, cling on to me, etc. again, I feel hounded and there aren't many parts of this process that I enjoy. It feels like an eternity until we finally have dinner at the table. By then it's around 7.15, but some times it's later.
- then it's time to eat. This feels equally cumbersome. Usually they are calmer by now. The fighting and clinging subsides, and instead they start playing. They stand up and leave the table and I keep trying to bring them back and cheering them on to eat their dinner. I'm also mindful of the time. Some times it could be 8.30 and they still have not finished their dinner. I make dinners delibrately simple jsjust so that we can get through it fast. It never seems to work though. Sasha tells me they don't do this so much with her. And meals are quick affairs. I don't get it.
- sometime between 8 and 9 we head to the bedroom. Get pj's on, brush teeth, read a book and off to bed. This usually takes about 30 mins. We th
Monday, May 20, 2013
Long Weekend
Meltdown count: zero today
It's 22.09. I'm at my usual post in the usual bad mood. It really feels like pulling my nails out one at a time would be more fun than doing this. After three years, it's really beyond annoying.
Lately I've been reading a lot about strengths (and weaknesses). When you are strong at something it feels effortless and when you finish the activity, you feel elated and energized and can't wait to do more. It's not to do with how hard or easy an activity is but how it feels to you.
For example, a climber on his way up mount Everest may feel cold, hungry and tired. But as soon as he is done, he'll feel energized, ready to do it all over again.
On the other hand, when you are weak at something, it leaves you feeling depleted, exhausted and drained. It may even be the case that you are good at it, so people and life keep finding more of it for you to do. But time drags on when you are doing it and you can't wait to get away from it. Now, that's how I feel about being a mum.
This blog is supposed to be about recording the good memories but I honestly struggle at finding any. I don't want to be a whiner but at the same time, I can't go on ignoring the way I feel 90% of the time. Don't get me wrong, I love my girls and I would do anything for them. But truly, I never imagined I would dislike being a mum as much as I do.
I hear other mums talking about how hard a job it is, or how demanding, how much pressure it puts on your relationship with your partner, but then all quickly finish with a 'but it's all worth it', or 'the best decision I made', or 'then you get a kiss and a cuddle and it makes up for everything'. But for me it doesn't. I surely can see the first part, the one about it being darn hard, but for me, none of the seconds could ever follow. 'Best decision?' Not in a million years. I can't think of a worse one for me. 'Makes up for it?' Not in my book, barely makes it bearable more like.
I wish, really wish I felt different. I want to be a happy mum. I want to enjoy it. I want to be one of those mums that say 'it's the best decision I ever made' or 'my kids complete me' . But I can't! And how in the world does one chage that? How do you get out of it?!!!
I feel trapped. I am their prisoner. I also feel so isolated. No one wants to hear about it. People think you have to 'get on with it'. There are support groups for pretty much everything else in this life, but not for mums that don't like being mums. That's probably how I came to be such a fool. I remember thinking to myself 'seems pretty hard, but I am used to working hard and I enjoy it' or ' I don't really like kids that much, but everyone likes their own kids' or 'all the mums I know think it's worth it, beautiful even, I too will see it that way when they are born' but that never happened. At least not yet, maybe it's a matter of waiting. And no, I'm not depressed.
I went to London last week for work. I spent the weekend with friends and the next three days in a course. I thought about the girls a lot, but I didn't want to come back. It was nice to have all that space in my head just for me. I went museum hopping, I ate at some very nice restaurants, I watched TV! And then I was back home, trapped in my life again. We had a long weekend. Today is a Bank Holiday. It was intensely boring. I spent all three days with the girls. Trying to get them to wash up, get dressed, eat food, nap, etc the hours just dragged out. I tried finding some activities. We read books, did puzzles, put on our own production of little red riding hood, played monster (I was the monster and pretended to catch them, they squealed in laughter). I even tried to get them to the theater, but the rain stopped us. They were very disappointed. All in all they enjoyed their weekend, I was bored to tears through most of it and as the day (and weekend) ends, I can't help it but feel empty, drained and as if it never happened. There was nothing remarkable about it.
It'll go to the pile of lost weekends with all the others save thefew words about it on this blog. But how do I get out of this rot?
It's 22.09. I'm at my usual post in the usual bad mood. It really feels like pulling my nails out one at a time would be more fun than doing this. After three years, it's really beyond annoying.
Lately I've been reading a lot about strengths (and weaknesses). When you are strong at something it feels effortless and when you finish the activity, you feel elated and energized and can't wait to do more. It's not to do with how hard or easy an activity is but how it feels to you.
For example, a climber on his way up mount Everest may feel cold, hungry and tired. But as soon as he is done, he'll feel energized, ready to do it all over again.
On the other hand, when you are weak at something, it leaves you feeling depleted, exhausted and drained. It may even be the case that you are good at it, so people and life keep finding more of it for you to do. But time drags on when you are doing it and you can't wait to get away from it. Now, that's how I feel about being a mum.
This blog is supposed to be about recording the good memories but I honestly struggle at finding any. I don't want to be a whiner but at the same time, I can't go on ignoring the way I feel 90% of the time. Don't get me wrong, I love my girls and I would do anything for them. But truly, I never imagined I would dislike being a mum as much as I do.
I hear other mums talking about how hard a job it is, or how demanding, how much pressure it puts on your relationship with your partner, but then all quickly finish with a 'but it's all worth it', or 'the best decision I made', or 'then you get a kiss and a cuddle and it makes up for everything'. But for me it doesn't. I surely can see the first part, the one about it being darn hard, but for me, none of the seconds could ever follow. 'Best decision?' Not in a million years. I can't think of a worse one for me. 'Makes up for it?' Not in my book, barely makes it bearable more like.
I wish, really wish I felt different. I want to be a happy mum. I want to enjoy it. I want to be one of those mums that say 'it's the best decision I ever made' or 'my kids complete me' . But I can't! And how in the world does one chage that? How do you get out of it?!!!
I feel trapped. I am their prisoner. I also feel so isolated. No one wants to hear about it. People think you have to 'get on with it'. There are support groups for pretty much everything else in this life, but not for mums that don't like being mums. That's probably how I came to be such a fool. I remember thinking to myself 'seems pretty hard, but I am used to working hard and I enjoy it' or ' I don't really like kids that much, but everyone likes their own kids' or 'all the mums I know think it's worth it, beautiful even, I too will see it that way when they are born' but that never happened. At least not yet, maybe it's a matter of waiting. And no, I'm not depressed.
I went to London last week for work. I spent the weekend with friends and the next three days in a course. I thought about the girls a lot, but I didn't want to come back. It was nice to have all that space in my head just for me. I went museum hopping, I ate at some very nice restaurants, I watched TV! And then I was back home, trapped in my life again. We had a long weekend. Today is a Bank Holiday. It was intensely boring. I spent all three days with the girls. Trying to get them to wash up, get dressed, eat food, nap, etc the hours just dragged out. I tried finding some activities. We read books, did puzzles, put on our own production of little red riding hood, played monster (I was the monster and pretended to catch them, they squealed in laughter). I even tried to get them to the theater, but the rain stopped us. They were very disappointed. All in all they enjoyed their weekend, I was bored to tears through most of it and as the day (and weekend) ends, I can't help it but feel empty, drained and as if it never happened. There was nothing remarkable about it.
It'll go to the pile of lost weekends with all the others save thefew words about it on this blog. But how do I get out of this rot?
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Flat search
Meltdown count: none, although they had only been up for 15 mins when I left ths am and they were going into bed as I came back.
It's 22.00 and I'm at the guard dog game. Fifteen more minutes to go. I think tomorrow I'll wake them at 7.30, see if that gets us anywhere, I am really bored of spending at least an hour every night waiting for them to fall asleep.
Today I went to see the first flat. This is going to be tough. I really like where we are now, but I want something cheaper. This translates into either smaller or worse condition or a combination of both. And that's exactly what I saw. I liked the living room and the fact that it was very light and airy. But it was a bit tatty. At least the bathroom and kitchen were white, which made them just bearable. I think with a bit of patience and a lick of paint it could actually look good. It also had heating, something at times rare in Barcelona flats.
Where we are now it's a 1940's building but the flat is nicely rennovated, we were first in after the works. Kitchen and bathrooms were brand new. Most walls are painted in nice shades of grey which I love. Most of all, it's really spacious. I think I will really miss it.
Memorable things of today:
- Suzy sheep was upset with me for going to work this morning. I didn't have time to cuddle her and get her to feel better about it, so she just refused to say goodbye. She does that when she doesn't want someone to go.
- she was first at the door when I came back. She saw I had a bag and wanted to see what was inside. By then Clementine was there too. They were so excited to see I had bought them a few things. They couldn't wait to put them on, and took their pj's off and tried everything on. Then they wanted to sleep in their new clothes.
- their spanglish is hilarious: güasear las manos, güachar caillou, bringuear el cocodrilo, twos instead of two, la blanquita, the list goes on. I guess it's nice to see they can make up their own verbs and add the right conjugation.
It's 22.00 and I'm at the guard dog game. Fifteen more minutes to go. I think tomorrow I'll wake them at 7.30, see if that gets us anywhere, I am really bored of spending at least an hour every night waiting for them to fall asleep.
Today I went to see the first flat. This is going to be tough. I really like where we are now, but I want something cheaper. This translates into either smaller or worse condition or a combination of both. And that's exactly what I saw. I liked the living room and the fact that it was very light and airy. But it was a bit tatty. At least the bathroom and kitchen were white, which made them just bearable. I think with a bit of patience and a lick of paint it could actually look good. It also had heating, something at times rare in Barcelona flats.
Where we are now it's a 1940's building but the flat is nicely rennovated, we were first in after the works. Kitchen and bathrooms were brand new. Most walls are painted in nice shades of grey which I love. Most of all, it's really spacious. I think I will really miss it.
Memorable things of today:
- Suzy sheep was upset with me for going to work this morning. I didn't have time to cuddle her and get her to feel better about it, so she just refused to say goodbye. She does that when she doesn't want someone to go.
- she was first at the door when I came back. She saw I had a bag and wanted to see what was inside. By then Clementine was there too. They were so excited to see I had bought them a few things. They couldn't wait to put them on, and took their pj's off and tried everything on. Then they wanted to sleep in their new clothes.
- their spanglish is hilarious: güasear las manos, güachar caillou, bringuear el cocodrilo, twos instead of two, la blanquita, the list goes on. I guess it's nice to see they can make up their own verbs and add the right conjugation.
Meltdown mode
Meltdown count: at least four! All crammed in the way to and back from the doctor. Why oh why do they give you an appointment weeks in advance if they plan to have you wait for an hour? And why oh why do they not have more of a play zone so everyone can keep their sanity while waiting?
Today's memorable moments:
- suzy sheep came out of bed to give me a kiss and a cuddle, then went straight back in
- both girls embraced in a sisterly cuddle out of the blue while waiting to be seen by the doctor
- seeing suzy sheep instruct her sister and one other girl (at least to years older) on how to play in turns. She was was all self confident and did a really good job. Must remind her about it tomorrow
- seeing clementine's face when I handed her a Peppa Pig sticker, she did't expect it
Today's memorable moments:
- suzy sheep came out of bed to give me a kiss and a cuddle, then went straight back in
- both girls embraced in a sisterly cuddle out of the blue while waiting to be seen by the doctor
- seeing suzy sheep instruct her sister and one other girl (at least to years older) on how to play in turns. She was was all self confident and did a really good job. Must remind her about it tomorrow
- seeing clementine's face when I handed her a Peppa Pig sticker, she did't expect it
Saturday, May 4, 2013
A relaxing Saturday
Meltdown count: 2, one each as we got home.
It's 22.44. We are about to break a new record in falling asleep late. But today it's my fault. We spent the day at my cousin's and left later than we should have. It was a nice sunny day with a longish evening so we stopped by the playground on the way bak and it was 8 by the time we got home.
The girls were real troopers all day. Everyone commented on how good they were, and to be honest, they generally are, but they are a whole bunch of work even then. They didn't nap though. Too much going on around them. I did try and at least they lied down quietly in a darkish room for 30 mins or so. Anyway, I knew it was a time bomb that would go off at any point on the way home. Sure enough. For Clementine the detonator was the call to leave the playground. In the end I had to pick her up (and their two scooters) and make my way out with her fighting me off and screaming. Suzy followed along. We sat on a bench to clean the sand off the shoes and clothes and Clementine calmed down. Then it was Suzy's turn. She rarely meltdowns these days unless she is tired. And whe she goes off she can be quite dramatic. She has the sharpest loudest howl. It demolishes your ears and she can keep it going forever. Nothing will make her feel better.
She went off as we walked into the building hallway. Right where all the neibourghs could hear us best. Unfortunately, this happens frequently enough that it has become an ongoing chitchat matter with my neighbours every time we cross each other. I constantly get comments such us: 'you must be the mum of those little girls, the ones that cry so much.' Today they must have thought I was skinning her. I'm sure there'll be anonymous notes in my post box tomorrow with suggestions for tranquilisers and the like (it has happened before).
She screamed for at least 15 mins. I had to drag her into the elevator and then out and into the flat. I won't be able to do this very much longer, they are getting too heavy to lift up like that. I also don't like using physical force to get her to do things, so I generally only do this as last resort. Typically I sit with her and wait until she is ready to go, but I didn't want to let her cry in the hallway with all the neighbours at earshot. So I moved her into the flat. Eventually she calmed down but it took a while.
I expected the rest of the evening and the entire bedtime routine to be a nightmare of tears and crankiness. But surprinsingly, it was quite cam and collected wit no further incidents. As if they had gotten the tension out of their systems andthatwas that. They played with their toys nicely and nearly unsupervised while I got dinner ready and then ate it quickly while watching a video. After that, everything went very quick. They have even fallen asleep quickly.
Today's memories:
- waking up with both of them in my bed. Both of hem have great bedhair when they wake and really red cheeks. They can sometimes wake up a bit moody, but not today, they were all snuggly and smily. Theyremembered I didnt have to go to work (it's Saturday) and they went to get some books to read in bed
- finally being able to take them out with their scooters. I've been bidding my time, waiting forthem to get a bit older and more responsive about stopping at traffic lights (or anywhere else for at matter). Barcelona is a. Busy city and walking around with young twins can be dangerous.
It's 22.44. We are about to break a new record in falling asleep late. But today it's my fault. We spent the day at my cousin's and left later than we should have. It was a nice sunny day with a longish evening so we stopped by the playground on the way bak and it was 8 by the time we got home.
The girls were real troopers all day. Everyone commented on how good they were, and to be honest, they generally are, but they are a whole bunch of work even then. They didn't nap though. Too much going on around them. I did try and at least they lied down quietly in a darkish room for 30 mins or so. Anyway, I knew it was a time bomb that would go off at any point on the way home. Sure enough. For Clementine the detonator was the call to leave the playground. In the end I had to pick her up (and their two scooters) and make my way out with her fighting me off and screaming. Suzy followed along. We sat on a bench to clean the sand off the shoes and clothes and Clementine calmed down. Then it was Suzy's turn. She rarely meltdowns these days unless she is tired. And whe she goes off she can be quite dramatic. She has the sharpest loudest howl. It demolishes your ears and she can keep it going forever. Nothing will make her feel better.
She went off as we walked into the building hallway. Right where all the neibourghs could hear us best. Unfortunately, this happens frequently enough that it has become an ongoing chitchat matter with my neighbours every time we cross each other. I constantly get comments such us: 'you must be the mum of those little girls, the ones that cry so much.' Today they must have thought I was skinning her. I'm sure there'll be anonymous notes in my post box tomorrow with suggestions for tranquilisers and the like (it has happened before).
She screamed for at least 15 mins. I had to drag her into the elevator and then out and into the flat. I won't be able to do this very much longer, they are getting too heavy to lift up like that. I also don't like using physical force to get her to do things, so I generally only do this as last resort. Typically I sit with her and wait until she is ready to go, but I didn't want to let her cry in the hallway with all the neighbours at earshot. So I moved her into the flat. Eventually she calmed down but it took a while.
I expected the rest of the evening and the entire bedtime routine to be a nightmare of tears and crankiness. But surprinsingly, it was quite cam and collected wit no further incidents. As if they had gotten the tension out of their systems andthatwas that. They played with their toys nicely and nearly unsupervised while I got dinner ready and then ate it quickly while watching a video. After that, everything went very quick. They have even fallen asleep quickly.
Today's memories:
- waking up with both of them in my bed. Both of hem have great bedhair when they wake and really red cheeks. They can sometimes wake up a bit moody, but not today, they were all snuggly and smily. Theyremembered I didnt have to go to work (it's Saturday) and they went to get some books to read in bed
- finally being able to take them out with their scooters. I've been bidding my time, waiting forthem to get a bit older and more responsive about stopping at traffic lights (or anywhere else for at matter). Barcelona is a. Busy city and walking around with young twins can be dangerous.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)